My Life

My Life. My Love.

The Saddest Thing..

“She is so lost in her lies and fantasies that she can’t see what it is that is in front of her. Her Life, Passing her by. every moment, every instant. It is the saddest thing to sit and watch her live her past in replay after replay. What can I do to make her see that her life has moved on though she has not.”

Thank You.

Thank you for making it clear and bringing it to my attention. :) I really do appreciate it.

Over it...for one and for all!

So this weekend was a very long fun interesting one.
Friday night I had Hec over and of course he gets into his jealous modes where he thinks that I'm fucking every man alive. I have no idea where he gets this notion from. I have NEVER cheated on him. We had that break for a month or so and yeah I went out on two dates. Nothing special just me and a friend saying hey, why don’t we go see a movie and get dinner. I don’t think wither of us even considered it a date. But anyways, every text I get, (I text a lot btw) from any of my girlfriends, guy friends who ever, Hector throws a fit thinking I MUST be fucking them. Its gotten to the point where I know he will bitch so its like whatever. Even if I don’t respond to texts, he will hear my phone beep and bitch bitch groan groan, bitch bitch ugh its no annoying! So Friday, I'm not even responding to texts from friends when I receive them, I'm trying to make it a point that im spending time with him, but of corse im not going to tell all my friends “hey stop texting me so Hec wont bitch” So Hec gets drunk, throws a fit about the people texting me. I even show him that its just girlfriends but he just throws a fit. So I just say “whatever, I don’t want to fight, im going to bed.” Well about 3am a wake up and notice Hec in is in bed with me and he quickly hid something under his pillow. So of course I reach to see what it is. Its my friggin cell phone!!! He had texted one of my best guy friends. However my inbox messages were deleted and all that was in my outbox was “right, im sure she doesn't even know you are writing this, real mature, great boyfriend you are” From my friend Josh. So text josh and ask him what Hec said. After he confirmed it was me lol. he forwarded the texts that hector sent to him. Hec said basically to back off because I'm with him (Hec) and that I sucked his dick all night long. WTF!?!?! Who says that? I was Infuriated. Not only did he text thru my phone to one of my friends. He embarrassed me and he had to put Josh in an odd position and just plain who does that?!?! SO I told him to sleep on the couch. I was so over it and If it wasn’t that his birthday was on Monday (yesterday) I would have left in a second and never talked to him. He is just becoming this Jealous, mean, selfish person. This is NOT the loving, romantic, sweet, giving, hot hector I fell in love with. And im sorry, maybe its because of my bad marriage and how un happy I was, I will not put myself through something like that again. I have my nanas 80th bday party to go to on Saturday and though I do not want to bring him because I need Hec to see that I'm not going to put up with these childish games he is putting on, at the same time I don’t want my whole family asking questions as so why Hectors not there, ect. They love him. And I have a BIG family – that would be a lot of questions. Idk. I'm just sick of it all. I'm better than this and I deserve better.
And then this leads me to Sunday night. My Josh calls, he knows I’m a bit upset and he wants to console me and give me advice yada yada. So he calls at 11pm…the next thing I know, my 5:30am alarm for work is going off! We were on the phone from 11 to 6am. I have NEVER talked to someone that long. Ever. It was never awkward, never unpleasant. We just talked forever about everything. I told him things I haven’t really told anyone but he made it so comfortable and so fun. He is very different from all the guys I have been with and maybe that’s good. A part of me thinks we could never work but that’s just me basing it off bad relationships in the past. We both have young daughters and work full time, it would be hard. But anyways im getting WAYY ahead of myself. He said he’s falling for me hard. I don’t know that I'm ready for that. I mean shit, I haven’t even shaken Hec off. Idk. I think that when I officially break up with hector that I will just be single for a while. I keep saying that and then I keep taking hector back but damn, how many chances am I going to give him? Our entire relationship has been about him fucking up and then kissing my ass to win me over again lol I like the kissing ass part. We had an amazing like 4months in the middle of all this drama where we were perfect. We were amazing and that was how love is supposed to be. But Hec gets carried away and lost and all im doing is finding him, bringing him back to reality and then watching him MAKE himself lost again. I'm tired of it. I really am.

Its been a while!

Wow! I have not written snc July 21st! Its not that I have been to busy or that there’s been nothing to write about I have just been lazy lol. every time I consider writing something I ask myself do I really even feel like explaining everything right now? The answer is always. NOPE! But now it’s a Friday, im here at work, and don’t feel like using my brain for anything productive lol. SO a quick run down of what has happened the past 2 ½ months.
The courts awarded me partial full custody. Does that make ANY sense? Lol it didn’t to me either but it’s a way the word it so that Scott wont have to pay me child support because we both decided to wave that opportunity yet still make it so I am in charge of all the happenings with Kendra. The plan was that Scott watches Ken 3 days a week while I am at work and she attends her preschool the other two days. Then every other week he has 2 overnights with her. Of course that has not happened. He only has one -two overnights with her a MONTH. I'm not hating on it bc she seems to be in better spirits. Well they also ordered him to attend anger management and complete a drug and alcohol 20week class. He has not done that either. Not much changed, he was still skipping days of seeing her, drinking, partying ect but I just said whatever. As long as kens safe and with me. Buuut then the other day Ken gets to my work exhausted, pale looking and just weak. She was saying shes hungry to I handed her a granola bar I happened to have in my desk and she said she wanted real food. After eating my lunch she went to explain that daddy did not feed her all day and when I asked what daddy would say when she said she was hungry she said that his reply was “wait till you get to your moms”. That was it. I was LIVID! How do you not feed your child!? So I called up my lawyer, we talked for a very long time. We came up with a plan of action, took the steps necessary that night (I don’t want the wrong person knowing and it blowing our case) and we have put it on hold to see if he will allow me to enroll her in a preschool near me. I offered to pay for everything. He seems okay with it. If he takes it back and dose not allow me to put her in a preschool near me (continue to read the exiting news on why I want it out by my work belooww) then we will take the evidence we have and MAKE it happen. He has been in very good spirits this past week. We have been able to talk without wanting to rip each others eyes out lol I'm hoping it will stay. I do enjoy him as a friend.
Hector and I are doing well. He knows that I'm not trying to be to serious right now. I love him and I plan to marry him but I also want to take some time to myself and enjoy just being me and not “Amanda and Scott” or Amanda and Hector” that’s all its been for 6 years now. I’d like to be just Amanda for now. Lol.
And in the best news of alllll… All my saving and hard research has paid off! November 28th Kendra, myself and Hec are moving in to a 4 bedroom home with a huge back yard in Pleasanton!! It’s a foreclosed home which I thought I would never want to do and parts of me still feel very bad about it because, well, that was some ones home. But at the same time, I cant turn down a two story, Four bedroom, 2 bath, huge back yard home for a tiny bit more than I was paying for my apartment! I'm sooo exited!! I know that once we start paying this new rent money will be tight, ESP since I will be paying the $900.00 preschool tuition on my own! But I think it will be worth it! this will be my home. Our home. I cant even begin to explain my excitement about it all! I know what I said above about me not wanting to be too serious with Hec and yet we are moving into a new home doesn't make much since lol but heres the deal. Kendra and I are moving in. A friend of mine and her son are staying for a month while she is visiting for the holidays and then a few weeks after they leave Hec will come.
That’s the plan. I'm hoping I don’t like living on my own TOO much lol. I love Hector, I do want him forever I just need to get over this commitment issue. And this other guy haha. It happens. Lol I needed to test the waters and as awesome at Jay is, I just don’t see me falling in love with him the way he is in love with me. He just had a baby last month, he is an amazing dad. The mom is kinda a head case but he is amazing. He is just to negative! Lol. Then again so is Hec, however I have had a year 1/2 with hector so he knows me inside and out and loves everything about me. I don’t feel like going through the whole “getting to know you” stage with Jay. Too much work. I'm over it. So I will have my fun until Hec moves in and we decided to take our next step in our relationship…being SERIOUS once again lol. I know Hec is serious about me and I cant say how much I appreciate his understanding in my needed in independence for a while. Hes awesome.
Okay! Just finsished my coffee now I Have a date with my whitning mouth wash! (that’s a pretty sight to leave you with ahah) toodles!

Our Wonderful Weekend!

Good Morning!
Our trip and my cousins wedding was so much fun! We didn’t want it to end! But who really wants a vacation to end? The drive down there was not bad at all, we talked and joked and I made an ass load of CD’s b4 we went down there. We stopped here and there to take pictures, eat and explore and we finally arrived at our hotel at about 4pm, checked in, grabbed a margarita for me and a beer for Hec and went up to our room. This room was insane! It was massive! The bathroom was the best, it had this amazing marble rounded shower that I fell in love with and decided I need to win the lotto so I can get this exact bathroom in my house! Lol. I was a little scared because I know when I was booking the hotel I was looking at pictures of the suites just for the fun of it and I was scared I booked us a suite (I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to pay for that! Lol) so if our room was that big I cant imagine what the suites were like. Anyways, we un packed and as we were doing so I looked out the window down at the pool and there were all my cousins waving up at us lol. they were staying at the same hotel because it was close to where my cousin Nicks wedding was going to be. So we threw on our bathing suits and went down and spent a few hours in the pool. Then we all got out and got ready for happy hour. The Hooper family never misses a happy hour! Lol. I don’t think the Marriott has ever seen a happy hour like that one lol. but they tolerated us so I thank them. They we moved the party upstairs to one of my cousins rooms (keep in mind I have 20 cousins all with their boyfriends/fiancés in tow, it was very fun!) we talked, sang, drank, drank summore, and laughed non stop a few hours later we all ended up back in the pool/hottub I am very surprised we never got kicked out or told to quite down or anything. Then again total for me and hecs room for 3 days was an about $700 so with all my cousins rooms, we gave them a pretty large sum of money so I’m sure they were keeping quite do to how large our group was. If it was just a few of us I’m sure they would have told us to shut up. But anyways it was a blast my cousins are insanely fun and I love them to death. Then me and Hec retired to our room. I though we would loooove our cal king bed, and it was the most comfortable bed I have ever been in but when we woke up the next morning he was on one side and I was on the other and it was a journey just to meet in the middle and cuddle up lol. though if I had the money I would not even hesitate to get a cal king bed lol.
The next day was all about a spa day, wineries and a romantic dinner just me and Hec all day. It was amazing. I love spending that time with him. It re-reminded me of why I fell in love with him. Fast forward to later that night, another cousin get together in the hotel room = fabulous fun!
The next day was the wedding. We all (cousins) went down and lounged in the pool for a few hours. The Wedding was at four so we had time to kill. At about 1 Hec and I walked over to the sushi place down the street and brought back food to the hotel to eat as we got ready. Then off to the wedding! It was SO SO HOT!! It was about 102 down there. At least it was a dry heat though, makes it a bit better than humid heat. But it actual cooled off (to like 85-90) pretty fast, there was a nice breeze. The wedding was gorgeous! The vineyard back drop was amazing. The reception was also outside but again, beautiful. We all had so much fun. I had a little too much fun lol. I must have taken down about 50bottles of wine to the dome. I'm usually really good when it comes to knowing my limits esp at a family wedding but one glass of wine turned into 1000000 real fast lol They shouldn’t make it taste so good! It doesn't help that they just keep refilling your glasses every time you take a sip lol but the good thing was I was not the only one who drank too much wine. Everyone did! haha. At least I had Hec to keep me in line hehe. Then after the fabulous wedding and non stop dancing we all headed over to the bride and grooms hotel and hung out in the bar. Then back to our hotel where everyone followed and we were at the pool yet again. I decided I had too much wine and called it a night and went to bed. Little did I know that all the females went to bed early and the guys who were smart and stuck to beer stayed up for days. Hec hit it off great with all my cousins they love him to death. Fast forward to the next day – another me and Hec day. Playing bonding loving all that good stuff! Then the next day was the drive home. Everyone left about the same time so we kept passing one another on 101N. then me and Hec see my cousin Matt, Heather, Kasey and Kevins car pulled over and as we drive by we see Kevin hanging out the car door puking his brains out. at least every one was feeling as hung over as we were lol.
Then as we got home we plopped in bed, ordered pizza and a ppv and passed out snuggled up. It was nice to be home.
So that was our wonderful vacation! It was so needed and though we are planning our next getaway to be just us two it was so fun to have everyone there and party and have an insane amount of fun with them.
Well tomorrow is the official court date. It should be the final ruling. I have prepared myself to know that it wont be. That scott will protest the mediation agreement he signed and agreed to and pull some bullshit stunt. He told me the other day that he would prefer if he only has her stay the night once a week every other week. He said that would be fair snc I only have her one night a week. I don’t know where he got that insane idea. I pick her up every day after work at 3:30-4:00 and she stays the night and I get her ready every morning at 6am and take her to her fathers. Where he takes her to school and only has her at home for about 1hour before he leaves for work. And that one hour is her napping then I have her every weekend morning noon and night with the expectation of this last weekend. He really has a twisted view on everything. Where on earth does he get that I only have her 1 day a week? So if he only wants to see her twice a month (his one day every other week) why doesn't he just give me full custody? Wouldn’t that make sense? No he just wants to keep playing games. He has YET to stick to the agreement we cam up on in mediation. He keeps changing it. I don’t have the energy or the will to fight with him about it. I'm fine having Kendra all day everyday. I was a stay at home mom fro 2&1/2 years with her. He went to school 6am-3pm and went to work at 3:30pm-11pm at night. I did it all on my own then and I can do it and would prefer to do it all on my own now. I'm just to tired of him and his games he plays. I have to patience for them anymore. I just want this to be done with so so bad. I want to be divorced from him, I want his games to stop. Ugh its so frustrating when I think about it so I will stop thinking about it. I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, amazing family all who love and support me and I have the most amazing, incredible daughter who makes everything worth anything. I'm staying strong, working hard all for her and I would never have it any other way. Alright I have killed way too much time writing this when I should be playing catch-up on my work especially since I wont be here tomorrow. Toodles! *Muwah!*

nonsense

So I guess I was a bit harsh on the man in my life for annoying me. Lol. He is a wonderful guy, let me be clear about that. He treats me like a queen and treats my daughter as his own. I am a very lucky woman to have him in my life. However lucky or not, I am still allowed to be annoyed here and there lol. and yet I still am. He is still very stuck on the thought that he is going to lose me to one of my guy friends. I think I finally reassured him last night but we will see. Not only is it annoying but he has to have some sort of trust in me yenno. He says its because of how me and him hooked up but I have to remind him of the three other girls he fooled around with when he was with his ex. So really he cant use that excuse lol. I really hope he stops with this. Every time I get a text his eye brow raises and an alarm in his head goes off lol he will ask “whos that??” and I will simply tell him, Josh or Zach or who ever it is and if I say its josh or Zach he will kinda make a fuss about it and if its angel he will question if it is REALLY angel or not. Anyways, its annoying, it must stop nooowww.
In other news close friends of hecs family had their baby this morning, Josh’s Daughter is due any day, My cuzzos just had their baby last week, my other cousins are due in a few weeks and my aunt just found out she’s pregnant. Babys babys babys! Its contagious! (doing my cootie shot so I don’t catch the baby syndrome lol) But congrats to all. Children are amazing.
Ugh my allergies are kicking my ass!! I hope they go away before this trip on Thursday! Speaking of the trip we have been to the mall about every day this week getting new stuff for the trip. Then as soon as we get home we remember something that was really important that we forgot. So we have to go back the next day…like today we have to go back yet again. But I think I’m going to go to the Victoria Secret in walnut creek rather than the mall. The mall Victoria secret is small and has such a small selection. So WC it is. Plus we can hit Nordstroms and PF changes for dinner! I'm very happy I have lost 10lbs this month. Well okay 9lbs but I want to round up damnit! Lol. That’s why I LOVE weight watchers. I lose weight super fast and don’t really gain it back. It is so much easier to lose weight now that im not living with hecs picky ass. Meat, cheeses, fried food, no veggies. And granted I tried but after a 9 hour day at work, came home, cleaned, took care of Kendra I was too tired to cook two dinners so I would give in and eat whatever he wanted to eat. But now I’m back on track yee!
Alrighty well more later. Toodles!