Jealousy

Good Morning –

6 days until me and Hecs vacation to Paso Robles! We went shopping last night and got new clothes, hats (him), shoes (me) for the trip. I cant wait. I think this trip will be great, we both need a break. He has been overly cautious about “losing” me lately. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first, in fact it was rather charming but now its gotten to the point where its insanely annoying. Every time we are together he is questioning me in regards to if there is another guy in my life. He does it in a joking way but I know he is worried for some reason. Finally last night I had to call him out on it. I called him last night before I was going to bed just to say good night and that I love him and he says “are you sure your going to bed? You don’t sound like you are going to bed” so I said “wtf? What should I sound like when I’m about to go to bed” he just said that I don’t sound tired, which was silly because I was exhausted! I got up at 5am went to work and after work went straight to his sisters to help watch the kids and then after his mother got there to pick up the kids I went straight to the mall and me and Hec were there shopping until 8pm. That’s like what 16 busy hours and in stilettos even? I don’t care who you are, that would make you tired! lol if nothing else your feet will be so exhausted that they will force you to lay down> so anyways I drifted…I had to finally tell him that this whole not trusting me bull shit has to stop. He said he cant help if he is afraid to lose me, so I had to explain that he will lose me a lot faster if every time we are together I’m getting interrogated. I explained how its gotten to the point where I don’t even call him while I’m driving (illegal anyways I know) because he will (in a joking yet serious way) inquire as to where I’m going and basically make the allegations that I’m going over to a guys house. During our conversation about him not having trust he said its not that he doesn't trust me but rather that he is second guessing himself… as I told him, its not that he is second guessing himself, he is second guessing me and that’s not cool. He explained to me why he has these concerns. It kind of goes way back, even in high school he would see my guy friends fall in love with me hard and fast. He has seen a few of his friends do it as well, even when me and him were just friends 2 years ago, he saw Scotts friends fall for me. I see all this too. I don’t know what it is, im not that special, I don’t come off overly whorey where they think they can get in my pants, Though I love my body and every shape and part on it I don’t have the perfect body, I can be over barring and I speak my mind which often makes me put my foot in my mouth…I don’t know why, but I have seen it too. I even told Hec when we first started talking in liked December of 2008 “Just Don’t fall in love with me” because I was scared of messing up our friendship, of messing up his relationship, of messing up my marriage (which was already in the shitter but I had convinced my self otherwise) Even my best friend Ter was talking to him “mano-e-mano” one night while we were out and he told him that I’m one of those girls and have something that rips guys hearts out and throws it on the ground and walks away with that smile of hers.. I think there might have been a nicer way to say that but whatever lol. So anyways Hec was explaining this to me and is afraid that two of my best guy friends Josh and Zach will fall in love with me like Hec did and that I will leave Hec (like I left Scott) for one of them. He said he knows me and he knows that I love the thrill and excitement of it all, and granted that is very very true. But I left Scott because I saw him leave Anna and it kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t have to be stuck in a bad relationship. I have the right to be happy. So I left Scott. I didn’t leave Scott FOR Hec. I left Scott for myself. So I could find out who I am apart from being Scotts wife and the mother of his child. I did that. I love that I have found me again. I don’t need some new relationship to make me feel wanted. Hec does a fine job of that anyways. SO basically Hector agreed to trust me more. He is still weary of Josh and Zach. They are really close friends of mine and we talk every day. But That does not mean I want to Marry them and spend the rest of my life with them and raise 1000 kids with them Like I want to do with Hec. Alright back to work! I hope he can suck it up and stop being a baby about this. Im an adult, Im independent, thats something he needs to understand. I know he dosent have me comming home to him every day after work anymore or his even older life of someone there with his 27/7. That was somthing he had to get used to when we first got together too, was that I like to go out with my friends ALONEE. and I love my alone time period lol. But now he needs to realize that just becuase I have more time to be alone, dosent mean im off falling madley in love with eveyr guy who looks my way. its silly. very silly. If he cant suck this up then I think there will be many more problems ahead. Im not the kind of girl to sit around be accused of things im not doing or even the kind of girl that will just sit at home when i have spare time, he knows that, he just needs to accept it. I love him, i want him forever. okay i gotta get some work done lol Happy Friday! More later im sure!!