And it just paused!

I wish the world could pause for just one minute while a take a breath.
I’m just in a whirlwind of stress and work and stress and craziness and just feel that I cant even catch my breath. As soon as I finish a project at work or figure out a problem in my head and get over it something else come along that’s 10 times worse. I just finished all that needed to be done to make the marketing goal for April...just on time right? Lol so as I’ here finishing up other work...well putting it off until I’m done venting, I know that because of the way my universe works lately there will be some huge emergency project that needs to happen ASAP. And then outside of work is just as stressful, everyday there’s a million things I have to fit in all before Dinner and Kendra’s bed time. At least I have the power to make my own schedule at work and can come in early to leave early. That gives me an extra hour to get stuff done. I think tonight I will blow off all the thousands of things on our to do list and when I leave work just go straight to pick up ken then home. Just forget all the things I need to do and do what I WANT to do tonight, and right now all I can think about is making Hec cook dinner and me, Hec and Kendra all climb into bed and watch that movie “bedtime stories” that we rented 3 weeks ago and haven’t returned lol. well then Survivor starts at 8 and snc we all watch that together anyways it will be perfect. Ah that sounds good. See I feel better already.
Its funny how often one persons stress, work load ect is another persons idea of an easy going life. I hear certain people at work…OH OH!!!! Hahaha there is this one woman at work…total spoiled brat and everyone knows it. She is the kind of woman who when she talks you look at her and wonder if there is actually a brain in there…but she was saying because the economy is so bad that she is afraid that Christmas for her daughter wont be so great as it was the past years (her daughter is 6) she told my mom that in stead of the usual $1000 they will probably only have to do $800 in gifts. WTF?! For one 6 year old girl!? What could you possibly buy a 6 year old girl that adds up to $1000??? Insane if you ask me! Lol. anyways I totally digressed but whatever. Because I just got a call from Scott who is in a mighty good mood and said that he thinks its only fair that he give me some money for the divorce costs. So he’s giving me $600 today! I’m exited and happy now. I don’t know what made him change his mind but I’m loving him right now! Lol see!! I told you he’s extra nice when he has a girlfriend!!! Yay AMY!!!

FeEeEeeeEelings...LAME

The past few days I have been feeling so distant from everyone, but really Hector. I know its because of how busy I have been lately then the divorce is adding extra stress onto that so I'm sure I have subconsciously distanced myself from everyone but him especially. Its hard because I know he gets frustrated with all of Scotts bullshit, how could he not. Scott has a blatant disrespect for anyone who is not himself and well we all know how he is constantly pulling stunts to make my like living hell. and as my boyfriend, a man and a guy in a relatively new relationship he’s offended and frustrated that there’s nothing he can do but put up with it. I also don’t think he knows how to handle all of this correctly (what is the correct way anyways? Is there even a correct way) so he just kind of ignores it. And though at times that’s the best thing to do, at times I want him to make a big deal about it, I want him to be my knight in shining armor and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I don’t think he knows how much I’m hurting through all this. I know it doesn't help that I haven’t told him lol but I guess humans just want people to just KNOW without us having to tell them. Lol. I don’t know. I'm stressed out, and often just sad or mad at the level in which Scott has brought this all to. I'm 22 years old, none of my friends know what I’m going through, though they are so supportive and are doing all they can to help me through this, its just hard when you feel alone. Like no one understands what you are going through. This is hard. I never wanted it to come to this. I never thought that at 22 I would be in the middle of a divorce from an abusive, alcoholic, anger ridden high school sweetheart with an almost 3 year old daughter who I need to look out for. But that’s life. I just wish that there was a way I could get Hec to see what I’m going through and all the pain and hurt and loneliness I’m feeling. I guess a good start would be to tell him. Lol but I’m so not good at talking about feeeelings and such. Its an odd feeling to be surrounded by so many people who love and are there for me but yet feel so alone at the same time. My mom has been my savior through this all. She has always been my hero, I’ve known for years all the hardships and terrible horrible things she has had to endure growing up and the brutal divorce she went through with my father, but it wasn’t until my own divorce that I learned HOW bad her divorce was. She was not allowed to get any of her clothes, belongings, money, credit cards, nothing after she left my father. She brushed it off, she just wanted out of a bad relationship, she didn’t want her daughter or her son growing up thinking its okay so be in a bad relationship. But then my dad (really my nana and papa and my aunts advising him to) went for full custody. Now my mother is like me, her babies are the world to her, without them she would die so she fought back, she was just asking for 50/50 custody. Then the courts told her that in order for her to gain half custody she would have to prove that she could provide a stable living environment. But at the same time she was still ordered to pay half of all my father bills, keep him on her medical coverage, pay the entire monthly mortgage on my DADS house. She even had to pay for his reverse vasectomy so that he could have more babies with my stepmother! So she had to open up credit cards, her girlfriend (my other wonderful step mommy Kecia whom I love so much) maxed out her credit cards and she did it. she proved to the courts she could do it. but because of that and all that she had to pay for my father while still trying to pay her own bills she was dead broke. I remember going to food donation places just to get food for the week. She and Kecia would not eat hardly anything on the days me and my brother were with my father so that when me and my brother got back to my moms we would have food there. But she made it through and made me and Travis childhood the most amazing one I could ever imagine. Its amazing what free fun things this woman would find for us to do every weekend. She did everything for us so that we can fondly look back on out child hood and I thank her always and forever for that and hope that I can be just as strong as her though all this, though I hope it doesn't get as ugly as her divorce did. But hmm..i lost my train of though…ah yes back to feeling distant from Hec. I think I just need to get over my pride and just tell him how I’m feeling. How I need him to step up and be just a little bit more supportive. Hell I was there for him every time his ex did something crazy and they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm leaving my husband and father of my baby that I was with for 5 of the biggest, most life changing years of my life. It’s not easy. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad to leave and want this to be over soooo sooo bad but it’s an emotional roller coaster and struggle. Okay its decided I’m going to suck it up and share my feeeeeelings with Hec and then maybe I will get the support I have been searching for.
This didn’t make me feel much better. I’m still stressed, over worked, sleepy, hungry and frustrated with everything. But hopefully I will get over it all soon..maybe some chocolate will help. J

Swine Flu, Lunch time and stuff

Just got back from lunch. Hec Stopped by on his way home from the job he was at today in Milpitas. I joked with him that I should become and inspector too, that way I can only work 4 hours and get paid for 8. Yay for unions! Haha. Today has been super busy. I know I always say that, but the work load is insane lately. Perhaps its because I’m one person holding down and entire department by my self (and doing a great job at it if I do say so myself!!) plus helping HR part time. But I finally told Rita ( The HR manager) that this week and next I wont be able to help her because I have to get these contracts sent for the marketing deadline and get all the preliminary notices done and sent to the clients in a 20 day dead line from the first day of inspection on the job site. So today has been in sanely productive! I am so proud! 28 contracts out and who knows how many prelims and unconditional lien releases. I guess Hec called a few times but I took my phone of the hook so I could get work done – so he knew I was in crazy work mode so he stopped by and took me to lunch. Much needed. However is so hard to get back to work. I'm sure a lot of people are like this but I get into a work mode and I just am flying through things left and right and if that concentration is broken it takes forever to get it back! lol so now I’m procrastinating.
As is most everyone in America I’m concerned about the swine flu. It would suck if I got it but I know I’m not going to die from it but just hearing about that poor toddler girl, 23months old, died from it. It terrifies me that what if Kendra gets it? She’s going to preschool 3 days a week and who knows if those kids might have come in contact with it, Hector is going to Job sites all over northern California everyday. Including all the big Universities, Stanford, Berkeley ect he is basically ha the potential of coming into contact with thousands and thousands of people on a daily basis. I work in the lab where people are traveling to job sites of our other offices all over the country it’s scary. I don’t want Kendra to get it. I guess it makes it worth the $200 taken out of each paycheck to cover her and myself…but damn if Hec gets it he doesn't have coverage for a few more months! The Union makes you wait an entire year before getting health insurance. We were going to go to Six flags this weekend to break in the new passes but I’m re thinking that… im sure im just being paranoid, but I dislike germs and more I dislike staying up all night with a toddler pooping and puking on me and even more it is the saddest thing to see your baby sick and you cant do anything but let them poop and puke all over you lol. Kendra had a cold last month and Hec even told me “that is the most heart breaking thing ever” because if you know Kendra then you know she’s a fire cracker. She loves to run and jump and play sports and ride her bike and she always is doing something and going a million miles and hour and then when she had that cold she just laid on the couch looking all sad. And when Kendra is staying still and not talking a mile a minute you know some things wrong. Aw now I’m saddened lets not talk about sick babies anymore. Well that leave me with nothing to say at the moment lol See you sexy beasts later!

My Happiness

I may not have any makeup on, and the picture is sideways but I love this picture so so much. There is no love like the one you have and recive from your child.
Although, today was a school day, which means a no nap day so these loving eyes and smiles probably wont be happining today lol lol I love her. she is my happiness.

Calmness, Fustration, Anger and Diet Dr. Pepper

Today started off well. I even got to work early and for me that’s an amazing task to accomplish lol. but then I got to work and had an email from Lisa’s (my attorney) Assistant saying that the City of contra Costa is requiring $350.00 for a filing fee by the end of the week. Now I can do the $350, move some cash around and there’s no problem however by the end of the week? On a non paycheck week? Why not give me a LITTLE more notice. I guess I should have waited on those $200..well ($192 to be exact) Metalica tickets lol. oh well we will make it work. I don’t know why but when I first started to type this like 30seconds ago I was super stressed and in a freak out mode…where as now I’m hella chill about the situation. Oddness. I guess I just panic sometimes. I see a $350.00 bill and freak out and pull out my hair trying to figure out how we are going to afford it when really if I just stop and take a breath I will see that its very possible, just move money from here to there, skimp in a few areas and it will be fine. Ah see, there is a reason for these blog things. Help get your mind in check.
Nevertheless I asked Scott – via email – if he could perhaps help with the divorce paper costs since it is both of us wanting this divorce. I don’t think he will oblige but it can’t hurt to ask. Besides, he got to claim Kendra 2 years in a row and both years got a $4000+ tax return and I haven’t seen ANY of it. It was supposed to be my year to claim Kendra but he threw one of his temper tantrums and became the biggest asshole in the world and so just to be done with it and not have to deal with him I said fuck it, you claim her. If I had that tax return money I would be golden though. I actually got fucked on this tax return because of him. Last year when we got the stimulus package. I didn’t think I got one since I was a stay at home mom for 2 years and didn’t need to file taxes. Scott told me that I wasn’t getting and didn’t get any stimulus money. Fast forward to a year later, suddenly instead of my $600 tax return I was supposed to be getting I got $50. why you may ask? Because last year Scott filed as married as that he has two dependants, me and Kendra. This year he is filed single so as the lady at the IRS place explained to me in some IRS language. Because I am no longer his dependant and do not claim any dependants of my own that the last years stimulus check for me and my daughter gets subtracted from this years tax returns plus because of some rule they cant take everything out of my tax return for this they will take it out of my paychecks a little bit at a time until its paid off. I'm already paying $200 a PAYCHECK…not once a month but each bi monthly paycheck for health insurance for Kendra and myself. Its that much because Scott refused to ask his former employee UPS for a certificate of Credible coverage so according my works insurance company they have to treat it as if I did NOT previously have insurance for her and so its that much more a month. Seriously Scott has NO idea how great he has it and how much he is fucking me over. I should be a totally bitch and go over there and take my computer, my desk, my entertainment center, my dressers, my two tvs, the rest of my clothes, all the baby stuff, both couches and both chairs. Like I could seriously leave him with nothing but I don’t want to do that.
I just got off the phone with him and I re remembered why he is such a complete asshole. He calls ME at work to talk about his new girlfriend, his party nights ect ect, friendly conversation. I mention to him about the money for the divorce papers and he said yeah he totally would help me out, he still has the tax return money. But then all of a sudden, in normal Scott fashion he starts talking about why I’m going for full custody. I explained to him that its JOINT custody with the speculation that if one of us is to hung over, to drunk, ect to watch Kendra then the other parent is in their rights to find a suitable babysitter for the day. And of coarse in another Scott way he starts talking over me. He has this thing he does where he doesn't want to hear what you have to say so he will ramble (angrily) on and on and on about stupid things, things that have no relevance to the subject, things that make no sense at all, things that we already talks about and he can seriously go for like 10 mins. I believe he dose this so you don’t have a chance to talk and of course you are going to get upset by it and anytime you try to interrupt he goes nuts on you and screams what a bitch you are, how you wont even let him finish talking blah blah. So then I sit there quietly. wait until he is done, in this case I was able to finish up typing the rest of the contract I was working on and email it to the client. Then as soon as he stops, I start to respond and then he does it again his angry ramble, but the bottom line is, I’m at work! I’m not going to sit on the phone and argue with him for 1000mins when he has his wall up where anything I say wont mean anything. I dealt with that wall for 5 years and there’s no way in hell I should have to deal with it now. God he is such an asshole, he knows exactly how to piss me off. Uggh. I’m just going to go get a soda and forget it. I know he is a jerk, I know he is stubborn, I know in his eyes I will always be the bitch (when like I explained earlier I’m letting him fuck me over just so I don’t start a fight or leave him with nothing like he has left me with) uggh. Grrrr. Anyways. That’s enough I refuse to let him get to me anymore. I get to go home to my wonderful baby and love of my life. I'm so thankful that I’m not where I was a year an a half ago where I dreaded the moment he would walk in the door, where I dreaded going in public because he would make a scene. He always blew up at me in the store when we were grocery shopping. I would look at the list and see we needed say Soda. So I would grab a case of coke and then he would FLIP out. yell scream call me a dumb bitch (no matter if there was no one around or 100 people around) yelling that I’m trying to spend all his money and fuck him over because I grabbed the coke when I should have grabbed the Pepsi because it was on sale. Little things like that left me walking on egg shells 24/7. crying myself to sleep. Trying to make myself believe by making others believe that we were happy. Im glad that’s over. I'm glad that now I cant wait for my man to walk in the door, I cant wait to get home to Hec and Kendra. I cant wait for the weekends so we can all do something fun. I get frustrated with the amount of stress in my life right now, with the bills the work load, the everything lol but I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m lucky. I'm very lucky to have a great life now. A happy life. Okay off for that wonderful diet dr.pepper so I can forget my woes lol. something about Dr. Pepper that makes things okay. My mom first noticed it, that whenever she is stressed out she get one and it calms her so I tried it and its been working for me for about a year now lol. yay Dr. Pepper (they should pay me for this advertisement haha) okay gosh Amanda, shut up already.

Metallica Tix, Big Boobs and Childrens Independence

So I often...almost always...buy things without looking at prices. I just happened to print out the Metallica tickets I bought for Hector and together they are about $200.00! great seats and all and I’m sure will be well worth it but holy hell! Hope my lawyer doesn’t mind a late payment haha. then again $200.00 is just about 2 1/2 hours of her work ($75 an hour!!) but I’m exited. I'm so glad I was able to do this for him. He's funny, when I told him that I got him the tickets he was so exited but then stopped and asked "now your for real right? Your not going to pull an Anna on me are you?" (An Anna would be saying, promising something and then suddenly something ((made up)) crazy happens to where it can’t happen anymore) lol so I don’t think he fully believes it until he is holding the tickets in his hand tonight. I’m exited, I’m exited to see them myself but to be able to give Hec something super special that he's always wanted, it’s a wonderful feeling and I can’t wait!!

So Scott has been on good behavior lately. He seems to always be nice and civil when he has a girlfriend. This new one’s name is Amy. They work together. But I really hope this works out for him, not only because he’s nice when he has a girlfriend lol but because he is happier. Everyone needs someone! Kendra says she’s nice. HAHAHA I was giving Ken a bath yesterday and washing her hair and she starts talking about how Daddy, Amy and herself went to the aquarium and she’s telling me all about what she saw. Then she says “an Amy slept in my daddies bed last night” haha I HAD to call Scott and joke with him about that. Kendra also explained how Amy had big boobies, but not as big as mama’s boobies and that one day she (Kendra) will have big boobies like me hahahaha. You HAVE to love it when they get to this age, all the things they say, its hilarious!! Like Kendra’s favorite singer is Pink and the band Sugar land. I don’t know why but she lo0o0o0ves them. Her favorite TV Show is Ellen ( we have watched it everyday snc she was in my belly) and her favorite song.. she refers to it as her “ima diva” song lol I don’t know the name but is one of Beyonces new ones, “a diva is the female version of a hustler” I think she likes it because the background voices sound like the chipmunks. Its so wonderful how they develop and find what THEY like. Often we will be watching a show together and she will just chime in with “I don like those shoes mama” or in the case of American Idol, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the red head, Allison, Kendra on the other hand LOVES that emo kid..Adam I think his name is and after he sings she will try to imitate his screams lol. She used to always ask first “do you like those shoes mama” and if I said yes then she would agree and if I said no then she too would not like them. So after I noticed that, when she would ask me if I liked something I wouldn’t answer and instead ask her “do YOU like them?” and wait for her response, and then tell her mine and often say that just because I like it doesn't mean she has to like it. I think its VERY important to let your kids be who they want to be. And right now its little things like songs and outfits but later in life it will be important that they know that just because their friends like or do something, that doesn't mean they have to as well. It’s a hard thing to find a middle ground where you let your children be who they need to be while still letting them know that as momma (or daddy) you are still boss. Lol. okiedokes enough of my lunch time thoughts. Off to review, make, send out or laugh at 33 more contracts and prelims and ereports by the end of the day - dontcha love end of the month crunch time?

My 4 day weekend.

I'm finally back at work. Yippee. *rolls eyes* I missed Thursday and Friday.
Wednesday morning, about 2.3 seconds after I posted my previous blog Hec’s drama queen of an ex called him telling him her normal, just about once a month for the past year line of “I just don’t think we can be friends anymore” this time because of the blog I wrote about her. How he needs to talk to me blah blah. But really, even if I sat there calling someone a bitch, asshole, cunt licker lol or what have you, it has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he doesn't own me nor control me and really he couldn’t care less what I wrote about in my own blog. As he says it, if “people” don’t like it “people” shouldn’t be reading it. It’s a free country I can and will write what I want. What me and Hec figure is it was another one of her many attempts to feel wanted by him. We think she was just throwing her fit this time so he would come to her rescue and beg her to stay his friends. Was it not just LAST week where his ex had her friends call him and say “we all hate you” and then had some dude threaten to beat his ass among many drunken calls from her friends saying how they hate him but yet me expressing my feelings about her is not okay, or how about a few months ago when her and her little friends smashed in Hec’s car window? That’s okay? But me speaking the truth about someone is not okay? Whatever. Drama queen..no drama empress of the world.
Then that night Scott decided it was okay to take Kendra and his new girlfriend Amy to S.F on MY time with her and not tell me. That just killed me! I love every second I have with my baby and then suddenly I’m feeling helpless and walked over by Scott for taking my baby on my time. It was hard. But me and Hec decided eh what the fuck and got a bottle and toasted (we always toast to soo0o0omthing) to not being with our ex’s anymore and making it through all the bullshit they bring to the table.
Thursday I woke up and was kind of a mess, I decided to take a mental health day and just try to gather myself. It was very nice but then mid day I got the WORST migraine ever. I think instead of relaxing, I was just stressing over more shit, the money for the lawyer, Scott, work everything. So the rest of the night I was just a blob on the couch, trying my best to entertain and spend time with Kendra but at the same time feeling as if my head was going to burst any second. Hec took me and Ken (on her big wheel) for a walk thinking the fresh air would help and it did a bit but half way through I decided I would turn back and rest. He occupied ken the rest of the night for me. Then Friday morning I just decided that going back to work just didn’t sound good lol. so I took myself another mental health day. Much needed. We dropped Kendra off in the morning like usual with Scott. Came back home, put in a movie..that we rented like 3 weeks ago and haven’t returned or seen yet ( I think we probably own it now lol) and fell asleep. Our plan was to wake up about 11 and go to the city and just have a day to ourselves, we ended up waking up at 1:30. we still went to the city bc we were craving a lobster dinner sooo bad lol. we spent $92 on dinner, I almost died lol but it was worth it. Went shopping, got a few things for the house, got Kendra a new Dora helmet and fruit snacks. To Kendra, Fruit snacks are the key to happiness. They are god’s personal gift to her lol. you should have seen her when I told her we bought her a huge thing of fruit snacks lol. ah the little things in life.
Saturday morning we woke up, lounged, and lounged summore. Hec fell back asleep and then I seized my opportunity to buy him the Metallica tickets he has been dying for. I was going to keep it a surprise, maybe even up until the actual concert date but I couldn’t hole it in and during one of our Mario Kart races I told him I got them and he went crazy he was sooo exited. Lol plus I cant wait to go!!! Lol. then Hec took his ACI test and PASSED!!! Yes my man is now a certified concrete inspector! Wooohooo!! After that we went to my fathers for my step moms bday party. That’s always fun and always great food!

I got to see my little sister Paige (thats her attempting to wink int he picture) and of course the youngest brother Hollis. Love them to pieces! Then me an Hec made a stop at his sisters house then went home.
Sunday I got my Kendra back at 9:30 am. Then off to Hecs sisters Bday party and Skipolinis. (I think I spelled that wrong lol)
All in all it was a good weekend. I was dreading coming to work today because I knew I would have a million things built up, and I did but im in a whatever mode. I will work faster when they pay me more haha. okiedokes I reckon I should try to get soooome work done.

Im so nervous!!

Ugh I don’t know why im sooo nervous! I'm meeting with my lawyer today at 12 to go over the final petition for full custody and divorce ect. I know it’s the right thing and I have to keep telling myself that but it hurts soooo bad that it had to come to this. I stressed to my lawyer and paralegal that the visitation plan presented to the court is to be pretty much identical to the situation we have right now. Like iv said a gazillion times, its just that it will be on my terms weather he is stable enough to get the privilege of being with our amazing brilliant little girl. It hurts. A lot. But this is what has to happen so that Kendra and Scott will for sure have a great relationship and he will get better. I hope he doesn't flip out when he gets served the papers. He knows I’m going for full physical custody, I explained that to him after he sobered up the last drunken incident involving Kendra. but I think he thinks I’m still that meager little thing that listened to everything he said when we were together. My brother told me a quote and basically told me – you know he will hate you, you know he will lash out at you like he does but in the end he will thank you, he will see in the end all that you have done for him and he will be grateful for you – I sure hope that’s the case. I hope all this taking advantage of me and hec and my mom will end. I'm just so ready for all this to be over and its just beginning! *sigh* oh well just another one of life’s lessons! We live it, feel it and learn from it. I guess im learning to not marry your asshole high school sweetheart because he knocked you up for a second time and you think he will change lol. eh. He changed for a min there but once a jerk always a jerk. I know I talk shit about him but keep in mind that I love him – not that way anymore but he’s the father of my baby, he gave me the best gift ever and spending five years with some will always insure you have a place in your heart for them.

Love me hate me say what you want about me..

I would just like to be clear on something I'm not here to prove myself, not here to make a point I’m not here to see certain people fail or succeed or make an ass of themselves. I’m here because I want to be, I’m writing and rambling on and on about stupid things, important things, things that make no sense, because I want to, because I need/want a place to vent and ramble on about nonsense. There are certain people that are hoping that I mess up, trying to make themselves believe I am not happy, trying to find any and every flaw in everything I write, say or do. But by all means, do what you have to do. I know you hate me. For reason I’m not sure of. I wasn’t the one who fucked everything up, I’m not the one who continues to fuck everything up but yet blame everyone around me, I’m not the one so lost in who I am that I have to be who everyone wants me to be, I’m not the one with no ounce of responsibility in life yet does nothing with life to better my life and future. I'm not the one making up invisible people lol lol lol. I don’t have much against you, you hurt me back then but whatever, I’m a big enough person to say whateve. People fuck up. I never hurt you, I never did anything malicious despite what you think. Shit happens in life and for some reason you hate me. That’s fine, hate me. But why talk shit and make things up? Oh that’s right because that’s the one thing you CAN do in life. Make shit up. I forgot how good you were at that though we have a good laugh at it many times. I doubt I’m even going to publish this because there is no point in anyone seeing it, most who read these are people I know in real life and know what REALLY went down a year ago (yes, not the story you make yourself believe and make your friends believe) so they already know. And the other people that read and respond to my blogs (btw I heart you guys and I’m glad I’m helping the few of you get through your divorce/kids/drama in life) I really just don’t feel like explaining it all to them lol. They say when people act the way you do it’s because they are jealous. I don’t know if you are jealous or not, probably not. I think you are just hurt. Hurt that you know you lost something so amazing and you could have had it back but you kept doing the same shit, I think you are hurt because you know you aren’t doing anything in life and know you could be doing so much more because you are smart and beautiful but because you are scared, you wont even try to succeed in all the things you can. However that’s just what I see. Ugh okay whatever I’m done plus I have to work on soo0o0omthing this morning snc I’m taking a half day. Lol I guess I will publish this and if anyone’s extremely confused you done gots my email address.
“Love me, hate me, say what you want about me…” I have that song stuck in my head and it seem a very appropriate song for right now lol.

One of my Favs

I love his half smile at the end, he is simply beautiful.

a very long one on me rambling about how happy in love i am

SO! Since my love sent me those flowers today - I’m in a very lovely dovey mood and just thankful to have finally found the most amazing man in the world. Seriously, I was beginning to think that all relationships are drama filled and have heartbreak and tears and disappointment. And then Hec came into my life and proved me wrong. I will admit the first few months of our relationship were very rocky. We were both getting out of bad loooong term relationships, his 3 years mine 5 years. I was married with a kid and he was heart broken and felt betrayed. We both broke up with our Ex’s around the same time, actually the same week and were really there for each other and friends, trying to help each other get through it all, we were both fucked over in our past relationships in different ways and it was nice to be able to turn to each other as friends and as two people going through something very similar. Then despite open talks about trying to avoid it, and joking that we know its going to happen one day inevitably our friendship turned into more. Like I said it was hard at first. I had guilt that I should be trying harder to make my marriage work and every time I decided that I need to give it another chance Scott would do something that would remind me why I’m not with him, hit me, steal my car, take my money claiming I owed him, refuse to let me see Kendra things like that, that would remind me of what hell I have been through the past 5 years. The same went for Hec, every time he decided to give it another chance with his ex she would do something that made him realize why it is he had to break up with her. We really did try to make it work with our ex’s and we were both supportive to each others attempts to do so because again, we were going through the same kind of thing and knew how each other felt. But enough about that. Slowly but surely our relationship just bloomed into something amazing. Something that after we were able to let go of our past relationships and move on with ourselves we were able to see how perfect we were for each other. He’s a pessimist and I’m an optimist, he makes sure that I keep my feet on the ground and I make sure to lift him off the ground. I'm super motivated and he’s laid back, we meet in the middle and through that enjoy life more than we ever have before. He has become the most amazing father figure to Kendra and is just plain great with her and loves her more than anything (who couldn’t she’s perfect! Lol such a mom thing to say)
Our life together is so fair and so giving and loving. We cook dinner together every night and though that may not seem that extraordinary, we have so much fun with it. We take Kendra to the park or hiking or somewhere family oriented every Sunday and not only is that her fun day but its our day to just be the family we are and enjoy ourselves, not care about bills, work, ect. He tells me every day how beautiful I am and how he can’t believe he is with someone like me. He is never ever shy to let me know how attracted he is to me, what a great mother I am, how he can’t wait to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me (I always tell him to not talk about that until I’m officially divorced lol). Its really a different feeling for me. When I was with Scott, yes we did have out good times here and there. But really, I constantly was walking on egg shells, constantly feeling terrible about my post baby body and he would let it be known that he wasn’t attracted to my when I was pregnant and after, I mean common now, that’s not something I could help that much. But hec on the other hand always always makes me feel like I am the most amazing woman, he gives me the confidence that Scott took away. He always tells me how proud he is of all my accomplishments and how hard I work and my promotions and just who I am as a person a mother and a girlfriend. Yeah we are early in our life together but we have delt with things that most people in their 40s have not had to deal with. We have been through the worst of times, he worked in the construction biz and when the economy bs happened he was out of work – we have a $1400 rent among other bills and with just my paycheck we weren’t even making ends meet. We had gone through two deaths in our family, a divorce, going through a custody battle, and many other things that don’t need to be known by anyone but us. But its been hard and we always are able to hold each others hand and make it trough. I had days where I would just break down because I didn’t know what we would do and he sat there and held me up like no one else could have. He had days were he was so down and out because he felt our problems were because of him and I was able to sit by him and tell him we will make it work and we always are able to help each other through unselfishly.
After everything we have been through we know the rest of our life’s will be a piece of cake and we have been beaten down enough that we know we can get through anything.
I love how unselfish our love is, how honest and devoted our love is. I have not been this happy in so long. And yes of course we have fights, who doesn't? but I’m in a good mood and a super lovie mood right now and choose to ignore those fights and pretend they don’t ever ever happen haha. no no, we do fight but we are mature about it and are able to get mad at each other, cool off (well im usually the one who needs to cool off, im a bit of a hot head lol) and then figure something out to make sure it doesn't happen again or if it was just a one time thing that doesn't need to be talked about then we just have hot make up sex and forget why we were even fighting haha, and who doesn't love hot make up sex?
So anyways I guess what I’m trying to say with all this rambling bullshit is thank you baby for sending me those flowers today and making today and everyday amazing. And to tell all you lovebirds that relationships are work but they should be 100 times more love, happiness and greatness than they are hard work. It should come easy to love one another, and have fun with each other. It should never be lies, hurt, tears, eggshells. Be who you are and if they love you for exactly who you are, flaws and all – how can you go wrong?

420 and Emo Kids

This whole 420 thing seems silly to me. I don’t smoke but everyone I know does. Whateve. do what floats your boat. But why must there be and entire day dedicated to smoking? I mean, if you don’t smoke to begin with then you wont smoke just because a day tells you to smoke and if you are a pot head then you smoke everyday anyways..so whats the point? Its not legal on this day, its not better on this day.. I don’t get it. Like take Halloween, it’s the one day a year where girls can dress like total tramps and guys can dress like jackasses and it’s acceptable. You don’t see people (well most people) doing that every day. But you sure see people smoking everyday. Lol but whatever tickles your fancy, toke up smokers of the world. Looks silly, say stupid things, eat a lot of fatty foods do what you do best lol. I know my man is lol
And another thing that confuses me and many of my friends and lovvvvas. Emo folk. What the hell? you guys try SOOOO hard to make it look like you don’t care, but really, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have to try soo hard to look like you don’t care. My brother is one who truly doesn't care what people think about him and what does he wear? A plain t-shirt and jeans everyday. thats it, because he doesn't care – he does not do the black eyeliner, the retarded looking sock thing on his hand, the 12 belts and 13 layers of shirts followed by the 3 scarves and the hair that had to have took 3 hours to do seeing as each strand of hair is pointed in a certain direction to complete a look of “I don’t give a shit” and the skit tight jeans that are the most unflattering on both men and women. Guys, I really don’t want to see your flat ass and whatever bulge you may have there. Ladies, do you realize what kind of shape you are giving your bodies? you look like a retarded ice cream cone, a V. you look top heavy and as if you will fall over any second. like I said if you REALLY didn’t care what people thought then why do you try SOOO hard to make them think a certain way about you? Silly kids.
Okay im done ranting and raving about two things I don’t think I will ever understand lol.

Weekend Recap - Thrilling! lol

Yay for awesome weather this weekend! I’m hoping we won’t have rainy weekends for a long time. I love being busy bees all weekend! Weekend Recap!
Friday was of course me and hec’s date night/night to go out because my mother insists she have Kendra sleep over every other Friday – works for me! So we went out to dinner and drinks then we were going to go to a movie then decided there were no great movies out. We headed home and played wii for a few hours. We are both competitive so once we start and one of us beats the other one, the loser wants a rematch…then after that (and a few shotties) it turns into a few hours of trying to beat each other lol gotta love it. Then we baked a bomb ass cake. We are terrible with desserts. I LOVE baking and got Hec into loving it too so we always bake different yummy concoctions and then we have like a serving and then don’t touch it again until we have to throw it out lol. We are terrible with desserts. I already said that lol…oh well. Then we woke up at 12 on Saturday! I was so happy I actually slept in! I never do anymore. Waking up at 5:30 every morning to go to work got my internal clock waking me up at 7am at the latest on weekends lol. So seeing as we were running late to Ari’s 2nd birthday we got ready, ran to the mall, got Ari a gift, got Kendra the CUTEST pair of sandals and me a matching pair (I’m a fan of the cheesy mom and daughter matching shoes lol I don’t often wear flats or flip flops but when I do me and ken always match. Cheesy but I love it and she loves it) so then we went to Ari’s birthday. It was VERY fun and who knew panda express catered! Yummy! Ken had a lot of fun and then that night was the night me and Hec have been dreading. The first night of Kendra going to bed with no Pacifier. We thought it was going to be a struggle but she was ready to be a big girl and hec and I were VERY proud of her. She went to sleep just fine without it. It did take her much longer than usual to fall asleep and asked about the pacifier once. She asked Hec where it was and if we had given it to the Passie Fairy yet (I made up the passie fairy because on her 3rd birthday she is to completely give up the passie and we will give it to the passie fairy lol.) Hec reassured her we have not giving it to the Passie fairy and Kendra told him “jus keep it in my mamas purse” hah she is a silly girl. Then Sunday is always our “Park Days” we took her and her bike to a park with lots of trails for her to ride her bike at and stayed for about 3 or 4 hours. Had a picnic and walked (she rode her bike) all over the place. That girl is fast! Hector and I were exhausted from trying to keep up with her lol. then we got home, Hec cooked a great dinner ( I love when he cooks his yummy yummy tri-tips) and then he went over to his friend Bill and Cameron’s place for a few hours. I do enjoy my few moments of alone time I get here and there. It was a very great family weekend. Next weekend is our child free weekend so its on bitches! lol
Scott didn’t call at all. Even when I text him telling him how ken went all weekend without a passie. No response. It was nice to not have to deal with him mad at me for god knows what but at the same time – How can you NOT call your daughter when you don’t see her for 3 whole days? I call Kendra multiple times every single day and I see her every single day. I don’t know. Maybe I just cant understand because I’m “mama” and my baby is my life. Oh well.
YIKES my lawyer just called and reminded me that I forgot to fill out an form that was due like last week! AAHHH! I'm going to do that right now seeing as my lawyer costs me $75.00 and hour!!!

Why do women feel as if they need their man?

One of my best friends in the world- we will name her Kara for privacy reasons, just got dumped. Now Kara had a terrible child hood we wont get into it but it is one that I truly respect how strong she is and how she made it through it and is trying to better her life snc she was on her own at 16. It’s known that most girls who grow up without a father figure or a piece of shit father figure like Kara will usually want a father figure of a boyfriend. And that what this man was to her. He’s a very nice man, and really does have best intentions with her and truly cares for her. However Kara wants and needed a man who basically controls her (not in a bad way mind you this was relatively healthy) but like I said he just dumped her and she is in hysterics, she’s in total panic attack mode, doesn’t know what to do, feels as if life is over ect. I love Kara to death and would never ever want anything to happen to her so of course I’m leaving work as early as I can to be with her.

But why is it so many girl/women feel it is their man who makes them whole. That after they get broken up with they feel as if life can’t go on, and that they are nothing without that man in their life’s. I know that it is probably much easier for me to say because I was raised by amazing parents who taught me to be independent and strong and my own person so it is easy for me to be independent but I know for some girls like Kara its impossible.

I wish I knew a way to make her see that our life; her life doesn’t need a man to control it. That it’s much better to be our own person, true to ourselves and in control of our own lives. That we can’t go through life pleasing everyone else, pretending to be someone were not because that’s what will make people like us. We need to be strong and ourselves more than anything and only then will are we able to fine TRUE happiness. Again I know I ramble but that’s what blogs are for right? It just kills me that Kara can’t see how amazing she is, how strong, intelligent and what a great person she is and that she doesn’t need anyone to tell her how to run her life. I don’t know how to teach her all I just said in just the few hours I will be with her tonight but I hope and pray that she will see this and she will learn to be herself, do things for her, live a little, live a REAL life, not one controlled by friends, boyfriends ect.

Break ups happen everyday to millions of diffrent people for a million diffrent reasons. We meet people through life and they come and go sometimes we are surrounded by people and sometimes we are alone but what we need to teach ourselves and our daughters is to have a solid foundation of self. To know that even when shit hits the fan and everything in our seemingly perfect little world changes that we can always rely on ourselves to get us through because you wont always have people to help you through things. *sigh* Oh my Kara, I love you and I know you will get through this an even stronger person. No man, no PERSON is worth all this pain and misery.

Is sick that this is still happining in the world today

Afghan President Hamid Karzai announced yesterday that his government will revise a controversial law that would severely restrict women's rights by legalizing rape within marriage, among other provisions. Karzai told CNN that he was unaware of these provisions when he signed the law last month and that he has instructed "that the law be revised and any article that is not in keeping with the Afghan constitution and Islamic Sharia must be removed from this law." The proposed law has incited international and local outrage. Just this week, hundreds of Afghan women protesting the law in Kabul were outnumbered and pelted with small stones by counterprotesters. In a statement, the groups who organized the protest said that the law "insults dignity of women as fellow human beings and increases ethnocentrism and inequality," The Guardian reported.Karzai's recent comments confirm statements made last weekend by Said Jawa, Afghan Ambassador to the US. Jawad told Bloomberg that the law "will not become the law because it contradicts some important principles of the Afghan constitution" and that President Karzai does not plan to publish it. Jawad also said Karzai signed the law without being aware of all of its provisions and has sent the likely unconstitutional law to be reviewed by the Afghan Ministry of Justice and the Afghan Supreme Court.According to The Guardian the law contains provisions that would restrict women from leaving their homes, working, going to school, or obtaining medical care without their husbands' permission. The law also includes a provision that women cannot refuse their husbands sex and a provision that grants child custody only to men. Ustad Mohammad Akbari, leader of the Hazara party, told The Guardian that the law gives women the right to refuse sex with their husbands if they are ill or have a "reasonable excuse" and allows women the right to leave their homes without permission in an emergency.

Locks & Procrastination

I think I shall install a lock on my office door even when I shut it to get some peace and quiet so I can attempt to catch up on some work, people knock and let themselves in to ask a question or give me more work. Or perhaps I should cut the phone lines here so that people cant call in with more jobs for us to work on which would mean no more work for me..that would also mean no more money for me..hmm..I guess I wont cut the phone lines lol. Curse this thing called work! Cant I just get paid for sitting on my ass at home? That would be nice. Or back in high school when I got money from the bank of daddy/momma lol but I’m sure I would get bored. Last Friday when me and hec took the day off together I woke up at 7, enjoyed lounging in bed but then got so entirely bored I couldn’t take it, super cleaned the whole place, went thru kens old clothes, boxed them up and put them in our storage and then decided to put Kendra’s Easter basket together early and dragged hec to all the stores in Contra Costa trying to find the perfect things for her, although as much as hec trys to claim he hates shopping he gets sucked into it. often its me telling him to put things down and that we don’t NEED it right now lol. Yes I know I am rambling but I’m trying to procrastinate. Lol. Okiedokie enough blah blahing from me for now.

Awkward!

So this morning Im going to drop kendra off at Scotts, and im knocking and knocking for what seems like an eternity..its was probably just 3 mins but im wearing a silk pencil skirt and blouse...its cold!! lol. So i use my key to get in, sure enough his roomate Danny is passed out on the couch with a lady friend and as i walk into Scotts room i flip on the light and theres his new girlfriend in bed with him haha. I squeeled "OMG! SORRY!!" lol but it was funny. She looked nice..from what i can see and from what he tells me shes actually normal (which is a big diffrence from his last three crazy girlfriends lol) but i hope this one works out for him. I really want him to ba happy. Me and him didnt work but shit happens yenno, we were together for 5 years, 2 of those were in highschool, people change after highschool. thats why highschool sweetharts dont last. However me and Hec had a huge crush on eachother in highschool and it was no secret to anyone and then reunited 3 years after high school and things are amazing between us right now so does he count as a higschool sweethart? who knows. Who Cares.

I talked to my lawyer yesterday about my visitation plan and she was very impressed, she said that im already 100 steps ahead of the game becasue its clear that my point to this is not vengaence its clearly about kendras well being. My "visitation" plan is basicly the costody me and scott have right now, I do want things to stay the same so that there is still a stable environment for Kendra and she dosent have to miss her daddy and he dosent have to miss her. BUT the only diffrence with me having full physical costody it that it requires him to take an anger management class and an alcohol/parent Class and I am also able to take her back, not let him have her if hes Drunk ect. So im happy about this. I know Scott will hate me but I think in the end he will thank me for doing everything i can to get him help and ensure a wonderful relationship between Kendra and him in the future.

I just realized i hadent thanked Hecs sisters for doing all they did for me on my birthday. They are incredibly sweet, im so not used to that. Scotts parents hated me, well his mom did. Very much one of those "your taking my baby boy away from me" things. laaammee. but I shall call his sister after this and thank her.

annnd HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY ANGEL! You Rock my Socks! Cant wait for this weekend!

Amandas Lunch Time Blog 04/15/09

My Lunch Time Blog:
This lunch has gone by way to fast. I have been busy all morning, swamped even and yet I have hardly made a dent in this large stack of contracts to be reviewed in addition to all my other work. For some reason because I have about a month worth of HR experience they (my job) thinks that I can assist the new HR manager and get her settled in. I really have NO idea how I am supposed to get all my work done in the time allotted as well as help out the new HR manager. It seems impossible. But whatever, If my contract and prelims ect don’t get done and they have a problem with it then maybe then they will realize that me helping HR 4 hours a day is stupid.
This is the first day in a looong time that Scott has not called me at work. It’s a good thing because usually he calls to yell at me about god knows what new drama he has created. I'm really not a hard person to get along with, I don’t know why he must TRY to start fights with me. I really just want to call him to talk to Kendra but I know that will start a fight about So0o0oMthing and I don’t want him in a bad mood and yelling at me and Kendra having to see all that. I will just sneak outta work early I think and pick her up. Lol I know i was just saying how I have too much work and now im saying im going to sneak outta here early lol but I miss my Kendra. After being a stay at home mom for 2 years its been hard being away from her for 8 hours a day everyday for the last 9ish months or so. But we gotta do what we gotta do. Alrighty I reckon its back to work for me.

Oh and Happy 21st Birthday Theresa!!!

Why does it take 30mins to get married but a year, thousands of dollars and too many tears to get a divorce?

I really think they should have a form that just says "do you want a divorce, please check yes or no" send it in and bam, you are divorced. all this other stuff is insane. I guess it has to be this way when there is a child involved.

I have to call my lawyer back today. Yesterday Scott finally crossed the line and I had to call my attorney to change me paper work to Full Custody. That really sucks. I never ever wanted this to happen. But his Drinking and anger..RAGE problems have become way to out of hand. I don’t feel the need to go into details because i just went over it 300 times with my attorney, her paralegal and of course my mother, but he is letting the alcohol and anger cloud his judgment and parenting skills. He has put Kendra in so many bad situations, so many potentially dangerous spots that i just cant have it anymore. I can’t sit at home knowing he’s drinking and driving with MY baby in the car. There has been 2 times where I pick her up from his house (he is obviously smashed) after work and he calls a bit later to ask when I’m picking Ken up. If he couldn’t even remember I picked her up, doesn’t even notice she is gone who know what else could have happened. Its one thing to drink, by all means, drink up. but do it responsibly ESP when your daughter is in the house! I’m infuriated at this last stunt he pulled I don’t even want to get into that one. Really, this will help him as well, this will force him to get the help he needs and get back to being the great father he once was. and this will be way more stable for Kendra. It breaks my heart when she cries because she doesn’t want to go to daddy’s. i know they both love each other very much and it kills me that all i can do (after a year of trying my hardest to help him) is stand back and watch him hit rock bottom and make sure he doesn’t drag Kendra down with him.

This sucks. I wish it were different. But that’s life. Shit happens and we have to do what we can with it. My job as a mother is to protect my baby at all costs even if it means from someone she loves the most.

Me having full custody will in no way mean that Scott cant see her. I want them to spend as much time together as possible, like i said they are each other best friends I would never dream of splitting that, I want him so see her as much as he does now..but me getting full physical custody means that its on my terms, If i feel the situation is unsafe, he’s drunk, he’s too hung over, he’s too angry (he gets crazy when he is angry) That i can say no Scott, this is not a good situation for Kendra.

This is such a hard thing for me to do. But I am so thankful Hec is by my side, holding me up, wiping my tears being my best friend and rock through this whole thing. He and Kendra are amazing together. I don’t know what i would do without him right now. Or my mother who has also been by my side this whole time.
I just want this battle to be over and every one to be safe, happy and a better person already!