Calmness, Fustration, Anger and Diet Dr. Pepper

Today started off well. I even got to work early and for me that’s an amazing task to accomplish lol. but then I got to work and had an email from Lisa’s (my attorney) Assistant saying that the City of contra Costa is requiring $350.00 for a filing fee by the end of the week. Now I can do the $350, move some cash around and there’s no problem however by the end of the week? On a non paycheck week? Why not give me a LITTLE more notice. I guess I should have waited on those $200..well ($192 to be exact) Metalica tickets lol. oh well we will make it work. I don’t know why but when I first started to type this like 30seconds ago I was super stressed and in a freak out mode…where as now I’m hella chill about the situation. Oddness. I guess I just panic sometimes. I see a $350.00 bill and freak out and pull out my hair trying to figure out how we are going to afford it when really if I just stop and take a breath I will see that its very possible, just move money from here to there, skimp in a few areas and it will be fine. Ah see, there is a reason for these blog things. Help get your mind in check.
Nevertheless I asked Scott – via email – if he could perhaps help with the divorce paper costs since it is both of us wanting this divorce. I don’t think he will oblige but it can’t hurt to ask. Besides, he got to claim Kendra 2 years in a row and both years got a $4000+ tax return and I haven’t seen ANY of it. It was supposed to be my year to claim Kendra but he threw one of his temper tantrums and became the biggest asshole in the world and so just to be done with it and not have to deal with him I said fuck it, you claim her. If I had that tax return money I would be golden though. I actually got fucked on this tax return because of him. Last year when we got the stimulus package. I didn’t think I got one since I was a stay at home mom for 2 years and didn’t need to file taxes. Scott told me that I wasn’t getting and didn’t get any stimulus money. Fast forward to a year later, suddenly instead of my $600 tax return I was supposed to be getting I got $50. why you may ask? Because last year Scott filed as married as that he has two dependants, me and Kendra. This year he is filed single so as the lady at the IRS place explained to me in some IRS language. Because I am no longer his dependant and do not claim any dependants of my own that the last years stimulus check for me and my daughter gets subtracted from this years tax returns plus because of some rule they cant take everything out of my tax return for this they will take it out of my paychecks a little bit at a time until its paid off. I'm already paying $200 a PAYCHECK…not once a month but each bi monthly paycheck for health insurance for Kendra and myself. Its that much because Scott refused to ask his former employee UPS for a certificate of Credible coverage so according my works insurance company they have to treat it as if I did NOT previously have insurance for her and so its that much more a month. Seriously Scott has NO idea how great he has it and how much he is fucking me over. I should be a totally bitch and go over there and take my computer, my desk, my entertainment center, my dressers, my two tvs, the rest of my clothes, all the baby stuff, both couches and both chairs. Like I could seriously leave him with nothing but I don’t want to do that.
I just got off the phone with him and I re remembered why he is such a complete asshole. He calls ME at work to talk about his new girlfriend, his party nights ect ect, friendly conversation. I mention to him about the money for the divorce papers and he said yeah he totally would help me out, he still has the tax return money. But then all of a sudden, in normal Scott fashion he starts talking about why I’m going for full custody. I explained to him that its JOINT custody with the speculation that if one of us is to hung over, to drunk, ect to watch Kendra then the other parent is in their rights to find a suitable babysitter for the day. And of coarse in another Scott way he starts talking over me. He has this thing he does where he doesn't want to hear what you have to say so he will ramble (angrily) on and on and on about stupid things, things that have no relevance to the subject, things that make no sense at all, things that we already talks about and he can seriously go for like 10 mins. I believe he dose this so you don’t have a chance to talk and of course you are going to get upset by it and anytime you try to interrupt he goes nuts on you and screams what a bitch you are, how you wont even let him finish talking blah blah. So then I sit there quietly. wait until he is done, in this case I was able to finish up typing the rest of the contract I was working on and email it to the client. Then as soon as he stops, I start to respond and then he does it again his angry ramble, but the bottom line is, I’m at work! I’m not going to sit on the phone and argue with him for 1000mins when he has his wall up where anything I say wont mean anything. I dealt with that wall for 5 years and there’s no way in hell I should have to deal with it now. God he is such an asshole, he knows exactly how to piss me off. Uggh. I’m just going to go get a soda and forget it. I know he is a jerk, I know he is stubborn, I know in his eyes I will always be the bitch (when like I explained earlier I’m letting him fuck me over just so I don’t start a fight or leave him with nothing like he has left me with) uggh. Grrrr. Anyways. That’s enough I refuse to let him get to me anymore. I get to go home to my wonderful baby and love of my life. I'm so thankful that I’m not where I was a year an a half ago where I dreaded the moment he would walk in the door, where I dreaded going in public because he would make a scene. He always blew up at me in the store when we were grocery shopping. I would look at the list and see we needed say Soda. So I would grab a case of coke and then he would FLIP out. yell scream call me a dumb bitch (no matter if there was no one around or 100 people around) yelling that I’m trying to spend all his money and fuck him over because I grabbed the coke when I should have grabbed the Pepsi because it was on sale. Little things like that left me walking on egg shells 24/7. crying myself to sleep. Trying to make myself believe by making others believe that we were happy. Im glad that’s over. I'm glad that now I cant wait for my man to walk in the door, I cant wait to get home to Hec and Kendra. I cant wait for the weekends so we can all do something fun. I get frustrated with the amount of stress in my life right now, with the bills the work load, the everything lol but I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m lucky. I'm very lucky to have a great life now. A happy life. Okay off for that wonderful diet dr.pepper so I can forget my woes lol. something about Dr. Pepper that makes things okay. My mom first noticed it, that whenever she is stressed out she get one and it calms her so I tried it and its been working for me for about a year now lol. yay Dr. Pepper (they should pay me for this advertisement haha) okay gosh Amanda, shut up already.