FeEeEeeeEelings...LAME

The past few days I have been feeling so distant from everyone, but really Hector. I know its because of how busy I have been lately then the divorce is adding extra stress onto that so I'm sure I have subconsciously distanced myself from everyone but him especially. Its hard because I know he gets frustrated with all of Scotts bullshit, how could he not. Scott has a blatant disrespect for anyone who is not himself and well we all know how he is constantly pulling stunts to make my like living hell. and as my boyfriend, a man and a guy in a relatively new relationship he’s offended and frustrated that there’s nothing he can do but put up with it. I also don’t think he knows how to handle all of this correctly (what is the correct way anyways? Is there even a correct way) so he just kind of ignores it. And though at times that’s the best thing to do, at times I want him to make a big deal about it, I want him to be my knight in shining armor and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I don’t think he knows how much I’m hurting through all this. I know it doesn't help that I haven’t told him lol but I guess humans just want people to just KNOW without us having to tell them. Lol. I don’t know. I'm stressed out, and often just sad or mad at the level in which Scott has brought this all to. I'm 22 years old, none of my friends know what I’m going through, though they are so supportive and are doing all they can to help me through this, its just hard when you feel alone. Like no one understands what you are going through. This is hard. I never wanted it to come to this. I never thought that at 22 I would be in the middle of a divorce from an abusive, alcoholic, anger ridden high school sweetheart with an almost 3 year old daughter who I need to look out for. But that’s life. I just wish that there was a way I could get Hec to see what I’m going through and all the pain and hurt and loneliness I’m feeling. I guess a good start would be to tell him. Lol but I’m so not good at talking about feeeelings and such. Its an odd feeling to be surrounded by so many people who love and are there for me but yet feel so alone at the same time. My mom has been my savior through this all. She has always been my hero, I’ve known for years all the hardships and terrible horrible things she has had to endure growing up and the brutal divorce she went through with my father, but it wasn’t until my own divorce that I learned HOW bad her divorce was. She was not allowed to get any of her clothes, belongings, money, credit cards, nothing after she left my father. She brushed it off, she just wanted out of a bad relationship, she didn’t want her daughter or her son growing up thinking its okay so be in a bad relationship. But then my dad (really my nana and papa and my aunts advising him to) went for full custody. Now my mother is like me, her babies are the world to her, without them she would die so she fought back, she was just asking for 50/50 custody. Then the courts told her that in order for her to gain half custody she would have to prove that she could provide a stable living environment. But at the same time she was still ordered to pay half of all my father bills, keep him on her medical coverage, pay the entire monthly mortgage on my DADS house. She even had to pay for his reverse vasectomy so that he could have more babies with my stepmother! So she had to open up credit cards, her girlfriend (my other wonderful step mommy Kecia whom I love so much) maxed out her credit cards and she did it. she proved to the courts she could do it. but because of that and all that she had to pay for my father while still trying to pay her own bills she was dead broke. I remember going to food donation places just to get food for the week. She and Kecia would not eat hardly anything on the days me and my brother were with my father so that when me and my brother got back to my moms we would have food there. But she made it through and made me and Travis childhood the most amazing one I could ever imagine. Its amazing what free fun things this woman would find for us to do every weekend. She did everything for us so that we can fondly look back on out child hood and I thank her always and forever for that and hope that I can be just as strong as her though all this, though I hope it doesn't get as ugly as her divorce did. But hmm..i lost my train of though…ah yes back to feeling distant from Hec. I think I just need to get over my pride and just tell him how I’m feeling. How I need him to step up and be just a little bit more supportive. Hell I was there for him every time his ex did something crazy and they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm leaving my husband and father of my baby that I was with for 5 of the biggest, most life changing years of my life. It’s not easy. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad to leave and want this to be over soooo sooo bad but it’s an emotional roller coaster and struggle. Okay its decided I’m going to suck it up and share my feeeeeelings with Hec and then maybe I will get the support I have been searching for.
This didn’t make me feel much better. I’m still stressed, over worked, sleepy, hungry and frustrated with everything. But hopefully I will get over it all soon..maybe some chocolate will help. J